You Need a New Story: How Changing Your Inner Narrative Helps You Heal
Chanderbhan Psychological Services
How the stories we tell ourselves can keep us stuck in pain, and how to start moving forward.
There’s what happened.
And then there’s the story we tell ourselves about what happened.
Those are not the same thing.
What happened might be real and painful.
Someone you loved didn’t choose you back.
A parent made you feel like you were never quite enough.
You gave everything, and it still fell apart.
You were hurt in ways that should never have happened.
That is real. Nothing here minimizes that.
But then comes the story, the quiet narration that runs in your mind long after the moment is over.
“I wasn’t enough.”
“If I had just tried harder.”
“I ruin things.”
“I’m too much.”
“I have to hold everything together because nobody else will.”
That part of the story is where we either stay frozen or start to heal.
We don’t control everything that happens to us. But we can choose the story we live in next.
When Someone Leaves
Someone you loved didn’t keep choosing you. Maybe they left or slowly pulled away.
The event is: They didn’t stay.
But the story we usually tell ourselves is: If I had been better, they would have stayed. I wasn’t enough.
That story offers control; if I caused it, I could have fixed it. But it also keeps all the blame on you.
A New Story Could Sound Like This:
“I showed up with love and honesty. Losing them hurts deeply, but their choice gave me information. I am allowed to want mutual effort and safety. I am allowed to heal and move toward someone who can meet me.”
The loss still matters but now the story points forward. You’re no longer defining yourself by someone else’s limits.
When Love Was Conditional
Some of us grew up with parents who were there physically but not emotionally.
You learned that being “good” or “perfect” was how you earned connection.
So you became the capable one, you know, the helper, the achiever, the person who keeps everything running.
But underneath all that competence lives a story: If I stop being perfect, I’ll be abandoned.
That story kept you safe once, but now it keeps you exhausted.
A new story might be:
“I learned early that love felt conditional. That was never my fault. I’m allowed to want care that doesn’t have to be earned. I can rest without proving my worth.”
That’s not denial, it’s restoring a sense of balance after years of living on alert.
Why Our Stories Matter
The human default is to try to make sense of pain.
When something hurts, your mind reaches for a story. Humans can’t tolerate chaos; we’d rather blame ourselves than accept uncertainty.
Once that story forms, your mind starts looking for proof.
● If the story is “I’m hard to love,” you’ll notice distance but overlook closeness.
● If it’s “I have to hold everything together,” you’ll feel guilt any time you rest.
● If it’s “I always get left,” you might pull away first to soften the blow.
The story becomes self-fulfilling.
That’s how people end up stuck in survival mode, always waiting for something to go wrong.
What a New Story Sounds Like
Here are a few old stories I often hear, and the new stories that move us towards healing.
Old story: “If they left, I wasn’t enough.”
New story: “They left. That hurts, but it tells me something about the ways they’re limited, not my worth.”Old story: “If I don’t hold everything together, everything falls apart.”
New story: “I learned to be the responsible one because I had to. As an adult, I can ask for care and share the load.”Old story: “I’m too much.”
New story: “I feel deeply and notice deeply. It’s part of what makes me who I am. The right people will experience that as connection, not as ‘too much.’”Old story: “I should be over this by now.”
New story: “There is no preset timeline for pain and healing. It takes the time it takes”
How to Start Changing the Story
This part takes time and practice.
Here’s where you can begin:
Name the old story. Do it in plain words. (“My story is that I ruin relationships because I’m needy.”)
Ask where you learned it. If it was learned, it can be unlearned.
Ask who benefits if you keep believing it. Sometimes the story keeps other people comfortable while it drains you.
Write the new story in adult language, not survival language. (“I ask for closeness because I value connection. That’s not a flaw.”)
Practice it when old fears show up. That’s the key, learning how to steady yourself when the old story tries to take over.
Over time, your emotional reflexes begin to shift. You start grounding yourself when the old story tries to take over, instead of reacting from that hurt place.
That’s what healing looks like, not perfection, but restoring balance and reclaiming your life from old scarcity stories about love, safety, and belonging.
Ultimately, you don’t have to make pain pretty but don’t have to build your identity around it.
You’re allowed to choose a new story, not because the past didn’t matter but because it doesn’t define you. You have the power to write your story going forward.
Chanderbhan Psychological Services
About: Chanderbhan Psychological Services is a therapy practice located in Laredo, Texas. We help individuals and couples who are struggling in different areas of their lives gain the clarity they need to grow and change. We also offer telehealth to individuals located in the wider State of Texas. To read blogs on mental health and relationships, visit our website.
