The Wise Parents’ Guide to the Love and Care of a College Student
Sending your child off to college for the first time isn’t easy. Of course, you want them to do their best and succeed. You want them to gain independence and learn how the world works on their own.
But, at the end of the day, they’re still your child. It’s normal to be a bit nervous or even to want to “take care” of them while they are away.
There’s a fine line when it comes to the love and care you provide. For example, you might be paying for things like tuition, room and board, and even helping out with their necessities. You may also have reasonable expectations and boundaries that you expect from your child while they’re away.
So, what can you do to balance those boundaries while still giving them freedom and independence?
What Should You Provide?
Again, as a parent, it’s normal to want to give your child as much as possible, even when they’re in their late teens and early twenties. If you’re not supporting them in any way and they’re paying for everything themselves, then they have the right to experience adulthood however they see fit.
That doesn’t mean you need to keep quiet or stop voicing your opinion. Whether you’re paying for things or not, you’re still their parent.
If you are paying for their tuition and or other life necessities, it’s perfectly acceptable to set up expectations. It’s only fair that they learn what you expect in return. Some parents expect their college-aged young adults to maintain certain grades. That’s not always the case, but it can give you a good idea of how they’re spending their time and how serious they are about their collegiate experience.
You might expect your child to have an on-campus job, or join certain groups to fill some of their time. It’s important to have those conversations ahead of time. Make sure you have a clear, respectful conversation with your child about your expectations. They should understand that you’re providing assistance so they have the ability to explore college life to the fullest – but certain responsibilities come with that.
When to Step In
You’re always going to be a parent. When your young adults step out on their own for the first time, it’s not uncommon for their curiosity to get the best of them. They might get their first taste of independence and see how far they can push it.
If you’ve set up boundaries and expectations with your child, it’s important to step in when they’re broken. But consider carefully before you step in.
Balance your expectations with your child’s need to individuate and grow into the person they’re meant to be. This can sometimes be difficult for parents. It’s important to step back and reflect honestly when you want to step in. Ask yourself: What’s the motivation for this? Is this from a place of me wanting my child to do or accomplish something based on a vision I have for their lives? Is this about something I wanted to achieve myself but didn’t have the chance to? If I don’t agree with this course of action or path they’re taking, is it something that’s genuinely harmful to them or their futures or just different than what I pictured for them?
Of course, It’s important to step in when there are mental health or physical health and safety issues (e.g., mental health struggles or excessive drinking).
Also, consider stepping in when major expectations you set up beforehand are broken. This can be used as a lesson: Actions have consequences. That’s something that everyone has to understand about the real world, and letting your child realize that is important to prepare them for the rest of their lives. You can step in and warn them without being overbearing. But, if they continue to cross boundaries and not live up to expectations, they are the ones that have to deal with the consequences.
How to Show Care Without Overstepping Boundaries
Speaking of boundaries, it’s also a good idea to set some of your own. If your child is living up to your expectations while they’re away, it’s okay to give them more freedom and independence.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t regularly check in on them. But you can care for them and support them without playing “twenty questions” about their lives each day or expecting multiple calls on a schedule you set. Collaborate with them to set up what would be a good schedule for communicating regularly. Tell them how proud you are and encourage them to keep walking down the right path.
If you’re a parent sending your student to college, keep these tips in mind to make the transition easier on both of you. In doing so, you’ll have an easier time balancing encouraging independence while still providing parental guidance.
Chanderbhan Psychological Services
About: Chanderbhan Psychological Services is a therapy practice located in Laredo, Texas. We help individuals and couples who are struggling in different areas of their lives gain the clarity they need to grow and change. We also offer telehealth to individuals located in the wider State of Texas. To read blogs on mental health and relationships, visit our website.
