Supporting Someone with ADHD Without Losing Yourself
Chanderbhan Psychological Services
Table of Contents
In Part 1 of this series, we discussed how adult ADHD affects executive functioning and why it tends to create tension in intimate relationships. If you're among those who live with, love, or work in close contact with someone who has ADHD, you might be asking yourself:
"Okay… so now what?"
The good news? There are specific things you can do to help a person with ADHD, things that encourage responsibility, empathy, and better communication, without taking on the role of their to-do list dictator or exhausting yourself.
What Support Can Actually Look Like
You don’t need to be a full-time coach, scheduler, or emotional buffer. Instead, focus on small shifts that reduce frustration and strengthen connection.
1. Use Shared Tools, Not Shared Judgment
Assist in establishing shared calendars, reminders, or checklists. These external aids assist with executive functioning without you needing to recall everything for them.
-Instead of: "I’ve told you this three times before.
- Try: "Want me to put it on our shared calendar so we both don't forget?"
2. Reward Effort, Not Only Results
People with ADHD often work really hard without showing it. Recognizing their effort (even if the result isn't perfect) helps lessen shame and creates motivation.
-Instead of: Why haven’t you finished that yet?
- Try: “I noticed you made some progress, that’s great.”
3. Be Curious Before You React
When something isn't getting done, it's not usually laziness. Ask them where they're getting stuck or overwhelmed.
- Try: "Is there anything about this that seems hard to start? Maybe we can break it down."
4. Say No Without Shame
Support is not doing it all for them. It's okay to say:
"I love you, but I can’t be the one to remind you of this every time."
Healthy boundaries, expressed with compassion, are an indicator of a healthy relationship, not a lack of empathy.
What Not to Say (Even If You’re Frustrated)
These comments often hurt more than they help:
“Everyone gets distracted.”
“You just need to try harder.”
“You’re making excuses.”
“You’re smart — why can’t you just do it?”
“You’re being selfish.”
Instead, try this shift: ADHD isn’t about a lack of care, it’s about challenges with consistency, sequencing, and regulation that many of us take for granted.
When to Encourage Outside Help
If symptoms are interfering with work, relationships, or mental health, encourage your loved one to explore:
ADHD coaching
Medication consults with a psychiatrist
Online or local support groups
Final Thought
Supporting someone with ADHD isn't a matter of taking over their life for them: it's a matter of understanding how their brain processes and offering tools, assistance, and boundaries that allow them to be successful. And maybe most importantly, it's about conserving your own energy and place in the relationship.
With mutual respect and the right support, you can build a stronger, more connected relationship, even if ADHD is part of the picture.
Chanderbhan Psychological Services
About: Chanderbhan Psychological Services is a therapy practice located in Laredo, Texas. We help individuals and couples who are struggling in different areas of their lives gain the clarity they need to grow and change. We also offer telehealth to individuals located in the wider State of Texas. To read blogs on mental health and relationships, visit our website.
