“Why Can’t They Just...?” Understanding Adult ADHD and Executive Functioning
Chanderbhan Psychological Services
Table of Contents
When we think of ADHD, many of us picture a hyperactive child bouncing around a classroom. But ADHD isn’t just a childhood issue — and it doesn’t always look like fidgeting and blurting out answers. For adults, ADHD often hides in plain sight. It shows up in missed appointments, cluttered homes, late payments, forgotten texts, and overwhelm that never quite goes away.
If you have a partner, friend, or family member with ADHD, you might feel confused, frustrated, or even resentful. Why can’t they just get it together? Why is every little task such a big deal?
To understand adult ADHD, we have to talk about something most of us take for granted: executive functioning.
What Is Executive Functioning?
Executive functioning is your brain’s self-management system — the mental scaffolding that helps you:
Stay organized
Manage time
Prioritize tasks
Control impulses
Shift focus when needed
Follow through
If you think of life as a stage, executive functioning is the backstage crew making sure the lights turn on, the actors show up, and the scenes go in the right order. When executive functioning is strong, you may not even notice it working. But when it's weak — as it often is in ADHD — daily life becomes a series of dropped balls and mounting shame.
ADHD and the Executive Function Gap
People with ADHD don’t lack intelligence, motivation, or awareness. They often know exactly what they “should” do — they just struggle to do it consistently.
This can look like:
Setting multiple alarms and still being late
Sitting down to pay bills but getting distracted by an unrelated task
Starting projects with enthusiasm, then stalling out
Avoiding things that feel overwhelming, even if they’re important
To outsiders, this might seem like laziness or immaturity. But to someone with ADHD, it's often a painful and exhausting cycle.
Why This Impacts Relationships
When executive functioning breaks down, it doesn’t just affect calendars and to-do lists. It affects how someone shows up in their relationships.
Forgetting important dates can feel like a lack of care.
Being late or disorganized can seem disrespectful.
Difficulty managing emotions can lead to misunderstandings or conflict.
Chronic overwhelm can leave a partner carrying more of the mental load.
The truth is, most people with ADHD are aware of the impact. Many feel deep frustration, guilt, or embarrassment — they just don’t know how to fix it.
What You Can Do
If someone you care about has ADHD, here are some ways to be supportive — without enabling or burning out:
Learn about executive functioning. It’s not an excuse, but it is a legitimate barrier. Understanding it helps shift your lens from “Why won’t they?” to “What might they need?”
Talk about systems, not character. Focus on problem-solving together — routines, reminders, calendars — rather than criticizing their intentions or maturity.
Offer empathy, not pity. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental difference, not a failure of willpower.
Set clear, kind boundaries. Support doesn't mean tolerating everything — it's okay to express what you need too.
ADHD in adulthood is real. And when it goes unrecognized or misunderstood, it strains even the strongest relationships. But with awareness, support, and the right tools, people with ADHD can thrive — and so can the people who love them.
Chanderbhan Psychological Services
About: Chanderbhan Psychological Services is a therapy practice located in Laredo, Texas. We help individuals and couples who are struggling in different areas of their lives gain the clarity they need to grow and change. We also offer telehealth to individuals located in the wider State of Texas. To read blogs on mental health and relationships, visit our website.
