Why It’s So Hard to Set Boundaries—And How to Start
Here’s the second (and final) post in our boundaries series! Missed part one? Read our first post on why boundaries are important.
Let’s be honest: most of us know we should set boundaries. But when the moment comes to actually speak up, say no, or ask for change, something gets in the way.
And usually, that something is fear.
Two Common Reasons We Avoid Setting Boundaries
We’re afraid of losing something.
When we set a boundary, there’s always a risk that the other person won’t take it well. We might fear they’ll be disappointed, pull away, or even end the relationship. Sometimes we’re afraid they’ll see us differently—less agreeable, less generous, or less “easy to be around.” That fear of rejection or disapproval can keep us stuck in patterns that don’t serve us, just to avoid rocking the boat.We don’t want to feel uncomfortable.
Setting a boundary brings up tough emotions—guilt, anxiety, self-doubt. For many people, it just feels easier to go along with what others want than to sit with the tension that comes from standing your ground. So we avoid it. And that avoidance can become a habit.
Boundary-Setting Is Like Exposure Therapy
If you’ve ever done exposure work for anxiety—whether it’s a fear of flying, spiders, or public speaking—you know that avoiding the feared thing only makes it worse. The way to reduce anxiety isn’t to avoid it; it’s to face it, slowly and intentionally, until your brain learns that you can tolerate the discomfort and nothing terrible happens.
Setting boundaries is the same. The more you do it, the more confident and regulated you’ll feel. That anxious moment of saying, “I’m not okay with that” starts to feel less threatening. You begin to see that you can survive the discomfort—and that it’s worth it.
What a Boundary Is (and Isn’t)
People often confuse boundaries with demands. A boundary isn’t telling someone what they must do. It’s telling them what you will do if a certain behavior continues. You’re not trying to control them—you’re clarifying what’s okay for you and what the consequence will be if that limit isn’t respected.
Example:
Let’s say a family member regularly speaks to you in a demeaning or hurtful way. You might be tempted to say, “You need to stop talking to me like that.” But that’s a request, not a boundary.
A boundary sounds more like:
“When you speak to me that way, I’m going to end the conversation. We can talk again when you’re able to be respectful.”
See the difference? You’re not trying to change their behavior—you’re changing your own response to protect your well-being.
What If They Don’t Respect Your Boundary?
Here’s the hardest truth about boundary-setting: not everyone will respect them. Some people may push back, guilt-trip you, or ignore what you’ve said. And when that happens, you may be faced with a difficult—but important—decision about the relationship itself.
Sometimes setting a boundary clarifies not only your own limits, but also whether the other person is willing or able to meet you in a respectful, reciprocal way. That can be painful—but it’s also incredibly clarifying. Boundaries show you not just what you're willing to tolerate, but who is willing to grow with you.
Start Small, and Know It Gets Easier
You don’t have to start with your most emotionally charged relationships. Try setting small, manageable boundaries in lower-stakes situations. Practice holding your ground. Remind yourself that discomfort isn’t danger—and that your feelings and needs are just as valid as anyone else's.
With time, boundary-setting becomes a muscle. And like any muscle, the more you use it, the stronger it gets.
Chanderbhan Psychological Services
About: Chanderbhan Psychological Services is a therapy practice located in Laredo, Texas. We help individuals and couples who are struggling in different areas of their lives gain the clarity they need to grow and change. We also offer telehealth to individuals located in the wider State of Texas. To read blogs on mental health and relationships, visit our website.
